ARA: The bride ‘fired’ me as a bridesmaid right before the ‘I dos’

A reader asks:

bridesmaidA friend from high school who I have known for 20 years asked me to be in her wedding. At the time, I was undergoing cancer treatments, but absolutely agreed to be part of the wedding, and bride was very accommodating with meetings and venue visits (doing non-chemo weeks so I would feel good).

I went to bridal expos with bride to help her find vendors, etc. all while in treatment.

The wedding party started out with three bridesmaids and MOH (her sister). One bridesmaid backed out in March. Not sure what the reasoning was, but we still made it work.

The MOH (sister) was unresponsive to texts from other bridesmaid and me. We did almost everything on our own. Her sister came to my house twice to discuss shower and details. Otherwise, other bridesmaids and I made all the decisions, etc.

Because I was home and not working at the time, I did volunteer to help do more things, because the bride was my friend and the other two ladies had families and kids.
I didn’t mind doing the extra, I wanted my friend to have the best day ever.

I was not able to make it to bachelorette party. It was rescheduled the week before to a date that I couldn’t make and I felt horrible. Bride told me not to worry about it. I was doing enough.

The Monday before the wedding, (wedding was five days away), the bride called me up to tell me that she would prefer I come as a guest and that I was not making her a priority. She also told me over the phone that she would give me some of the money back. I was in shock. But was glad to be getting some of what I had invested. Total, including dress, was around $800. The dress I could re-use and wear again as it was evening and not wedding(ish).

I had committed to the rehearsal on a Thursday night, but the bride knew I could not eat the food at the restaurant we were going so I told her not to count on me for food. Since health issues, my diet is very limited.

I had sent a copy of the receipts certified mail so she would know the things I spent money on. All shower related (venue, flowers, invitations, candy buffet, balloons) and the dress for the wedding. (I did not attend the wedding.)

I also emailed bride and wanted to resolve civilly and she said there was nothing to resolve and that she was not paying me anything.

Now I don’t know what I should (or can) do. Any advice is appreciated.

23 thoughts on “ARA: The bride ‘fired’ me as a bridesmaid right before the ‘I dos’

  1. Joanne

    I am trying to be nice here. If I were the reader that was asking the question, I would chalk this up to experience. She may want to reconsider her qualifications for choosing friends. I believe cancer and other illnesses trump weddings. She made the right decision by not attending the wedding. Her selfish “friend” is probably not mature enough to deal with right now. Maybe at a later date, the friend will reach out.

    Reply
  2. Roz

    Disgusting doesn’t even begin to cover it. I’m glad that the reader sent a copy of all of the receipts. I don’t envy this princess’ husband and I predict a divorce within five years.

    Reply
  3. Dina

    I suppose she could take the bride to small claims’ court…but personally I’d probably just count this as an expensive lesson learned and move forward from there. That bride is a horrible person, assuming the reader’s account of events is accurate.

    Reply
  4. DanCF

    I hope we are not getting the entire story. I have to believe there is more to it and no bride could be so thoughtless, selfish, and horrible.

    Reply
  5. Kate

    This is by far not the whole story.. And please note.. The writer added an unnecessary amount of stress and anxiety to the bride to be. She knit picked everything the bride wanted for her special day.. Did not go to the venue “pick out” as she described.. Did not go to the bachelor party (as she went to some beer fest instead) and said she could not attend the rehearsal because “Sandra Dee” was in town.. She complained about the makeup.. At the bridal shower she demanded a special meal due to “health issues” even though each and every night of the week she’s at a different fast food restaurant with friends eating fried food and such.. The bride right from the start stated that she wanted this to be a very inexpensive event for all involved and the writer billed the bride for a pair of $90 shoes that she was not instructed to purchase.. She was not “told” to spend $800… She was asked to be there for her and be a part of her day. She even wore the dress prior to the wedding in some photo shoot which was not a big deal yet.. Had she not done that.. The dress could have been returned. I was sitting with the bride the night she made the decision to ask her to step down.. She told her that she wanted her as a guest but clearly she was too involved with other more important things to stand up beside her.. She no showed for the wedding which we expected.. Then started harassing the bride for money and threatening to sue her.. Had she come to the wedding.. Nothing would have been good enough for her and she would have made her day stressful and undesirable as she did during the wedding planning process.. So always remember.. There are always more sides to the stories posted on the Internet..

    Reply
  6. Matt

    Cancer is a disease which only touches those who overthink, stress, and have a negative vibration. The bridesmaid has a lot to learn in life when she looks through such negative eyes.
    Let go of perfectionism and let your day and the money you spent as a bridesmaid be an investment in your cancer therapy so you may see what happiness looks like.
    For everyone else – why bring on a cancerous woman as your bridesmaid? Isn’t it obvious she is a perfectionist who seeks problems before even inviting her into the position?
    Both are at fault and need to kiss and make up while honoring the other’s differences.

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  7. Elaine

    Of course this isn’t the who story. She forgot to mention so many things including the bridal tiara she wanted to wear herself! Funny she is trying the jury here, she is well aware the bride has tons of evidence of her side. If she was really the victim she portrayed why didn’t she go to small claims like she has threatened? Because she would be a laughing stock. The last thing this bride wanted was drama, that is why she told her to come as a guest that it was too much for her and this is what she gets? She has emails and texts all along of her version. I think this person needs help. She is trying to continue to drum up attention because the cancer scare is over and now she needs something else. Save it for the real cancer sufferers this one isn’t one of them!

    Reply
    1. Kristi Post author

      Kristi responds:

      Seriously, Elaine? While I understand you wanting to defend your friend or relative and I most certainly agree there is another side to this story, to call the reader’s cancer a “scare” is lousy, and pathetic, on your part. The woman had a mastectomy, for heaven’s sake!

      Reply
      1. Andy

        The writer is the one who threw cancer into the mix to help push her point and gain more sympathy. The fact is, it played no role in any of this. None. The bride herself was battling cervical cancer at the same time, bet she didn’t mention that did she? The bottom line is, the writer was attempting to control every aspect of someone else’s wedding, and made everyone’s life hell in the process. This added to the fact she ” would just die if she wasn’t a bridesmaid”, she then goes and blows off two important events pertaining to the wedding for frivolous things. The bride did everything in her power to take care of things herself and not be a burden on ANYONE. She was a poor choice for a bridesmaid. Even though the bride was warned early on, she’s too nice and didn’t have the heart to remove her until the very end when she pushed to do so by everyone who knew the situation. If the writer’s poor behavior was due to the cancer, there would be much more sympathy involved, but sadly she’s the same person she’s always been. The bride and groom also lost their share of money by her not showing up to the rehearsal dinner or the wedding itself. Difference is, they’ve taken the high road and chosen to forget it and move on. The writer wants advice? Try and do the same.

        Reply
        1. Kristi Post author

          Kristi responds:

          Andy, when a couple changes the date of their bachelor or bachelorette party they cannot whine when people can’t make it.

          Also, what does the bride’s health have to do with her asking the bridesmaid to step aside?

          Answer: absolutely nothing.

          This whole thing is completely ridiculous.

          Reply
          1. Andy

            The bride’s health has nothing less to do with her kicking the bridesmaid out then the bridesmaid’s health had to do with her acting the way she did. It works both ways, Kristi. The bachelorette party was only a small part of this. When someone blows off a rehearsal dinner to a wedding they asked to be in to see a celebrity, they don’t deserve to stand with the bride. Very simple.

          2. CL

            What I am confused about is this – was she ever planning on going to the rehearsal dinner? the Sandra Lee thing was public for a while, but the author of this claims she planned to go (just not eat). Left out whether or not she did. As for the bachelorette – had she commited to working at this beer fest and couldn ‘t get out of it, or was she simply just attending the beer fest? I have heard both. Either way, after reading all of this I am team bride, but I’d like all the deets!

  8. Elaine

    The whole thing is ridiculous Kristi! I just think the whole story should have been portrayed as it is very one sided and contrived to make things sound worse than they are. I’m sorry but just because you had a mastectomy doesn’t mean she even had cancer and or the debilitating treatment she was making it out to be. I know you are her friend and so was the bride. I can guarantee you would have done the same if she had done this to you. I have seen the emails and texts SHE sent including her excuses. Funny the cancer was never mentioned in those… As Andy stated it really has nothing to do with the situation but it is about the drama this woman continues to create. Honestly she needs help if this is what her life consists of at this point.

    Reply
    1. Kristi Post author

      Kristi responds:

      Elaine, I have never, in 10-plus years of blogging, posted an ARA from a friend. Once, I had one from my sister, and I was upfront and explicit about as much. I’ve met the writer of this ARA once. It doesn’t take knowing the bride — or the bridal party — to see Team Bride of straight-up nasty. Prior to some of their comments I could very well have been swayed to the other (AKA their) side, then one of them pulled out that the cancer was just a “scare” and credibility for the whole crazy team was lost.

      Reply
      1. Elaine

        Really? Funny she has had dinner with you Kristi or is she lying about that too? She herself claims you are friends or are you implying you don’t who this is? Also how do you know what she has or didn’t from just the post. You just lost your own credibility!!!

        I do know people and one very good friend that did not have cancer but the cancer gene and had a mastectomy and she found it very liberating not debilitating. Because of abnormal lymph nodes also had chemo but that still doesn’t make her have cancer.

        I know the people involved and many of you are making comments when you don’t. The writer has issues. Read her own story, it doesn’t add up. Thankfully she didn’t show up and ruin the day! Bring on the small claims suit! Where is judge Judy when you need her?

        Reply
        1. Kristi Post author

          Kristi responds:

          Elaine, I have been at the Times Union for more than 16 years. I have more than 12,000 connections on social media. I know quite a bit about thousands of my readers. I’ve met their children, gone to their events, had hundreds of direct message conversations with them, and more. They care about me and my life and I care about them.

          Plus, I’m nosy.

          I can find out more than you’d want me to know about you, or anyone else, in about 10 minutes. It’s why I am known as CSI Kristi. You just popped in here for the first time, though, so I wouldn’t expect you to know that, or me.

          Reply
    2. Beth

      Does someone really need to mention their cancer every single time they communicate with you for you to know it is having a profound impact on their lives?

      Reply
    3. Roz

      Just one quick question here, Elaine. Are you HIGH?!

      “Just because you had a mastectomy…”

      Are you seriously implying that a mastectomy is NOT debilitating, at least in the short term? Are you saying that she’s lying about having cancer, when the man who “could be” the groom isn’t even denying that? He’s not denying that she has cancer, of course–he’s just saying that it’s “irrelevant.”

      That is an insult to everyone who has had suffered from breast cancer and a mastectomy.

      My cat is capable of more empathy that the lot of you.

      My maid of honor couldn’t make it to my bridal shower. I didn’t have a meltdown or kick her out of the wedding, because I’m not a spoiled little brat. You all need to grow the hell up.

      Reply
  9. Shannon

    These posts are just out of this world. No one knows who you are referring to when you say “A Reader Asks”. These friends and family came out of the woodwork to make it clear that the bridesmaid was the problem and even identified who the bride was. But, if you knew she was this much of a problem even with her begging you why would you say yes to her cohersing you into being a bridesmaid ? I’m sorry and give my regards to each of them for having cancer, but we don’t know the emotional toll that it took on the bridesmaid. People react to circumstances differently. Furthermore, witnessing Sandra Lee speak seems to be something that one who has breast cancer would enjoy and get comfort out of. It truly makes me glad that I am not really close to anyone and would not have bridesmaids/maid of honor at my wedding if I wasn’t eloping.

    This makes me miss On the Edge so much. Even if you posted once a week, every two weeks, etc. We loved your ARAs, etc. and still do just on a different platform :)

    Reply
    1. Kristi Post author

      Kristi responds:

      Awww, thanks, Shannon. A good (great) blog needs constant nurturing. I don’t have the time, or energy, to give right now. And I don’t want my name associated with crappy content, so as long as I stay PT, OTE will not see my byline in a daily basis :(

      Reply

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