OK, maybe ‘hate’ is too strong. I really only hate coleslaw, and hearing a woman (or girl) swear. “Dislike” is more fair. But no matter the word, the fact remains: Valentine’s Day doesn’t excite me — and it hasn’t since I was a child.
10: Cheap chocolate: The big box grocery and drug stores look like cupid vomited poor-quality chocolate in the aisles — and on the displays by the door. No matter how fancy Mr. Whitman tries to make his heart boxes, they’re still filled with crappy candy made with sub-par ingredients. Amazon shoppers agree, rating the brand 2.5/5 stars, at best.
9: The color red: Blondes (at least this blonde) look like a broken capillary in red, unless we’re talking nail polish.
8: That dang Open Heart necklace from Kay Jewelers: Jane Seymour pushes that clunky, unattractive pendant year after year (The ad is bad enough to earn a spot on CommercialsIHate.com). Seymour, it seems, has an exceptionally open heart (and bed). She’s been married four times. Not sure that makes her the ideal person to peddle romantic gestures celebrating “lasting love.”
As for the bauble, the jeweler charges about $300 for the original necklace, although there are now nearly 40 open heart designs. For that kind of cash, you could (easily) have a local jeweler make a custom piece that would likely be more meaningful to the lady in your life.
7: Overpriced flowers: On, say, February 2 you can buy one dozen red roses for about $20. Next week, those same flowers will cost you at least 50 bones. Flowers are beautiful at any time of year, not just Valentine’s. So wait till the week following the lovers holiday and really wow her — by tripling that dozen.
Just don’t send the posies to work. Unless she’s the type to swoon over public proposals and not think engagement ring photos on social media are tacky, she probably won’t appreciate receiving flowers at the office. They’re showy, and a distraction. (The first year R and I were dating he didn’t know I felt this way and sent flowers to my office. I hid them under my desk all day, then snuck them out the door when few colleagues were around to see. The water then spilled all over the car, and half the stems broke. I felt bad, and taped them back together to take a photo. A couple months later, I explained my position on flowers — or any gift, really — at work.)
6: Costly dinners: The price-gouging doesn’t stop at the florist. Those prix fix dinners ($250 surf and turf for two at your favorite chain seafood joint) suck us in, then we complain how the food/service/night was sub-par when we chose to go out to a restaurant on a day that’s second only to Mother’s Day in volume.
5: Social media show-offs: Next weekend, your feed will be inundated with people trying to over-celebrate their love. Bragging about your spouse, or relationship, online doesn’t make you (or him or her) any more awesome, it just makes you sound insecure. True love doesn’t need to be announced to anyone but your “bae”. (First and last time I use that term, promise).
4: Farting monkey cards: Love should be funny. Laughing feels amazing and a man or woman who can make you laugh — like really laugh till the beverage you’re drinking comes out your nose — is a keeper. And, I guess, gas is funny — if you’re 6. But Valentine’s Day and flatulence go together like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom.
3: Excessive sappiness: If you don’t go the monkey fart route, you’re stuck with some sappy card — the kind that would make you roll your eyes on any other day of the year. If you really want to say “I love you,” buy a card that’s blank inside and write your own message (without Googling for help).
2: Random well-wishes: Last year, a cashier wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. I was buying milk, and potatoes. I hesitated to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” back, lest I be accused of sexual harassment, or something else, in our super-sensitive society. Whining “but she said it first,” while being questioned by authorities (or the store security guard), doesn’t seem like an acceptable “out.”
1: Valentine’s Day is a mess of cliches — flowers, chocolate, mushy cards, red, pink and more red. I hate cliches, possibly more than I detest a cursing woman forcing me to eat coleslaw … at a restaurant … on Valentine’s Day.