“Ew, that is so gross,” I’d cry, while swatting her hand away. “I’ll never do that to my kids.”
Unfortunately, it took all of a week for me to do just that, and plenty of other “nevers,” such as:
- Talking with R about CB’s diaper over dinner, and …
- When he calls to check in, recounting just how many wipes I had to use for that morning’s “explosion.”
- Counting the number of wipes I use …
- And trying to use fewer than R, in turn making me the superior diaper-changer.
- Feeling a sense of accomplishment over how fast/efficient/clean I can do a change.
- Talking about my kid’s gastrointestinal system as if it’s Mount Vesuvius.
- Publicly blogging about her digestion.
- Licking my finger and wiping who-knows-what it was off CB’s face.
- And wiping it on my pants.
- Checking if she’s still breathing when asleep — at least 10 times a night in those early weeks.
- Putting my nose to her rear to determine if a diaper change is necessary.
- And then asking “did you just poop” …
- In that annoying high-pitched voice adults use when talking to babies.
- Sleeping on the floor next to her crib “just in case she needs me.”
- Sucking her snots out of her nose — with my mouth — when she had a cold (more on that to come).