Oh no I didn’t (but I did)

finger wipeI always hated when, as a kid, my mom would lick her thumb and wipe my face.

“Ew, that is so gross,” I’d cry, while swatting her hand away. “I’ll never do that to my kids.”

Unfortunately, it took all of a week for me to do just that, and plenty of other “nevers,” such as:

  • Talking with R about CB’s diaper over dinner, and …
  • When he calls to check in, recounting just how many wipes I had to use for that morning’s “explosion.”
  • Counting the number of wipes I use …
  • And trying to use fewer than R, in turn making me the superior diaper-changer.
  • Feeling a sense of accomplishment over how fast/efficient/clean I can do a change.
  • Talking about my kid’s gastrointestinal system as if it’s Mount Vesuvius.
  • Publicly blogging about her digestion.
  • Licking my finger and wiping who-knows-what it was off CB’s face.
  • And wiping it on my pants.
  • Checking if she’s still breathing when asleep — at least 10 times a night in those early weeks.
  • Putting my nose to her rear to determine if a diaper change is necessary.
  • And then asking “did you just poop” …
  • In that annoying high-pitched voice adults use when talking to babies.
  • Sleeping on the floor next to her crib “just in case she needs me.”
  • Sucking her snots out of her nose — with my mouth — when she had a cold (more on that to come).

 

11 thoughts on “Oh no I didn’t (but I did)

  1. Mb

    Yeah I used to (and still do) most of those things… And I used to bite his nails down when I was nursing him… But I can say I have never sucked the boogers out of his nose with my mouth… They do have things to do that FOR YOU, you know, even electronic ones hahaha. I DO, however, wipe his nose with my fingers and wipe it on my pants. It’s really gross but sometimes you just don’t have a tissue and that’s better than snot dripping everywhere. I usually try to get it at the bottom of my pants but you know, sometimes it’s very visible hahaha! Glad you are adjusting to motherhood well. It’s awesome, right?

    Reply
  2. Lauren H (@SarcasticLauren)

    I was with you until the last one. I can’t even describe the face/sound I made while reading that. Something like sucking on a lemon while watching tape of Joe Theismann’s infamous leg crushing.

    Reply
    1. Paul O'Brien

      I agree Lauren. Kristi, I was all in agreement until your last bullet point….Eeeewww! There’s a device made to suction boogers & snot from infant nostrils. Your move was exponentially worse than thumb licking / wiping!

      Reply
    1. Kristi Post author

      Kristi responds:

      Melliemel321, I want to do a commercial for them — and they don’t even need to pay me.

      It.is.awesome.

      Reply
  3. Beth G

    LOL! HAHAHAHA! I’ve been in your shoes as well….except for the booger part. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that you’re sharing your writing again. LOL, not sure if that’s awesome, or sad for me :)

    Reply
  4. D2

    I slept on the floor next to my daughter the first few nights after she came home and did the breathing check thingy. The rest, though accurate, was too poopy and snotty. ;) Glad you’re well and being a great Mom.

    Reply

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